Once Upon My Dreams

Kasjuni Beach, Split Croatia 2020

“At first I thought this feeling of being lost was completely irreversible, but I came to realize that sometimes we should be lost, being lost leads us to the next place we need to be.”

-M

He looked at me and said “I can’t believe we are in the same place as we were a year ago”

I couldn’t believe it either.

This past year of my life has felt like a movie script. There has been so many people and experiences that have come by way that no one would believe half of it if I told you. But if you know me, this comes as no surprise…

I moved to Spain with it all planned out, I moved with my best friend, would become fluent in Spanish, land my dream job. But when the time of the pandemic rolled around and I was faced to a Spanish lock down, my world completely changed.

The best friend moved back home, I found a new place to live, I lost all my job opportunities that were at the palms of hands, and I was at a crossroads of do I leave Europe? Do I give it all up and turn back around and that’s it?

There was a point where I was sitting in the sand along the Barceloneta writing aimlessly and crying out what was months of confusion all at once. This moment I had to make one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to face. When it comes to the choices we come across in our lives, and especially the hardest ones when we have to decide for ourselves, these are the ones that will and do change your life completely. It seems that once I had chosen the scariest, most daring and unknown direction to take, the universe threw everything into place. And when I look back at this moment, I’ve never been more grateful.

It takes courage in letting go and embracing what you never had planned.

My life in Spain has been more than what I could have ever imagined it to be. Although nothing turned out as I expected, everything turned out more than I could have dreamed of. I luckily moved into a new flat right before quarantine and made some of the best new relationships that I ever knew was possible in a time like it was then. I managed to score two best friends from the Netherlands who are my world. I learned to get back into a routine of fitness and taking care of myself again, outside the drinking and partying with a team that I can rely on and find a better version of myself. I started to learn how to cook and was skating and bicycling all over the city. I’d improved in my Spanish and found myself speaking and thinking in it every day. Although the quarantine and post lockdown has been a crazy new world experience, it has been one of the best things that have happened to me.

But at one point you can be living your wildest dreams and find yourself losing sight of what brought you there in the first place. I had the best friends, I had a great group of friends, I had my favorite bar and my favorite coffee shop, the plaza we all go to and spend hours drinking vermut, the Mediterranean and the nude beach where I spent every day topless catching up with my best friend, the DJ music collective I joined and was planning and having authentic and crazy parties again, and I was in the best shape of my life in years. Life seemed to have fallen back into a kind of new normal. You can have everything you’ve ever wanted, and yet start to lose yourself.

It felt like I had jumped onto a carousel and my world was spinning faster than I could catch up with it.

Soo I left.

What do you do when you’ve realized you’ve lost touch with your inspirations? When your living your dreams at the highest of moments but you don’t see yourself in those dreams anymore? I decided I needed to take a step back and see what was really meant to be.

"Sometimes it’s not the places or people we are running from but its ourselves” - Claire

I couldn’t agree more. After aimlessly packing my bags, booking a flight, and going to Croatia for a month (and the possibility of another Barcelona lock down also emphasized this) It’s become clear to me that it’s never been the places or the people that have driven me away, those are only just an influence..In the end, it is always within yourself.

But I have found in my escape, that sometimes you do need to escape to find peace of what it is you really want and what you need.

I think its important to understand that many of our dreams sometimes start to change as we change. I’ve spent the past 5 years of my life dreaming of settling down in Barcelona. Now that I’ve been away I’ve come to realize that I have created an entire life and world there. And although I’ve gotten lost along the way, I’m learning that we are supposed to.

If it hadn’t been for my best friend leaving, I wouldn’t have been pushed to build new relationships, ones who have made this year the best year possible.

If it wasn’t for forcing myself to learn new habits and lifestyles during quarantine, I wouldn’t have ever changed my lifestyle from before.

If it wasn’t for getting rejected by countless interviews and jobs, I would’ve have found the new direction that I realized I needed to take.

“What we want we need to fight for, and what and who passes us by, be grateful for”- Dino

I’m starting to be at peace with this idea of not having it all planned out. Sometimes you will lose all control, you’ll be lost and you’re dreams will change. But in the trouble of it all, all it really comes down to is how you decide to choose for yourself.

Leaving Barcelona was dramatic and has come with some consequences and sacrifices, but I’ve been able to truly see the story I’ve made there, the life I’ve created all on my own. There was this constant pressure of having to have “made it” living abroad. But the truth is, no ones story living abroad is ever as glamorous or as easy as we play it out to be.

So I guess this feeling is what I needed to feel, the feeling of leaving a place to miss it all over again. And being proud of even the smallest accomplishments, even the ones you took for granted. You don’t have to achieve the highest goals or dreams, you just need to be happy with the life you have around you.

And most importantly, be happy with just being.

Nothing in this life happens by chance, it happens by you. Your energy, your thoughts, your perspectives, you.

So now what? I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see.

-M