The Power In New Beginings

Someone once told me my dreams were crazy,

I turned to them and said,

"that’s the best part"

October 22nd, 2019

You never forget the days you never want to come. I remember leaving Dublin to return to seattle spending the entire 10 hour flight staring at my computer trying to find the words to process the past 5 months of traveling. I couldn’t imagine what it was going to be like returning. I spent months thinking about it but when I was finally buckled in and on my way, I had no idea what to expect the moment I landed. Somewhere in the chaos between jetleg, reverse culture shock, sleep deprivation and confusion, I was home.

I blinked and suddenly all that was in front of me was my room at my dads house filled with nothing but a dresser and boxes. I stood there frozen thinking, Mariah, what the hell are you supposed to do now?

The last thing I knew in Washington was 6 years in Bellingham. When I came back to ‘start over’ I was in for a reality check. You know that saying, ‘its easier said than done’ well, it definitely is. Starting over is not easy and no matter how much you think you have it figured out, you really don’t know what will come of it or where you will end up once that plan begins.

I never felt so lost and detached from who I thought I was. I accepted a seasonal job downtown seattle to work as barback at one of the most popular rooftop bars seattle had. I spent the summer commuting, couch surfing, subletting, house sitting and commuting again. In between creating a new routine of life, I never felt any sense of belonging. It was like going and spending hours at the mall trying on all the expensive outfits you wish you could afford but could never settle for. I was pretending to fit into a world I didn’t belong in. Almost all of my best friends were in the start of their careers, had a comfortable lease and I felt nothing but envy. All I could think about was how much I wanted to settle down and find that comfort. At this point I had forgotten what it was like to be comfortable. Was seattle the place I settle for a while?

There’s a stinging feeling I always hold of having the dreams that I dream, and having the life that I’ve chosen to live. I spent this past year living in a series of new chapters. I started to realize this wasn’t just the year, this has been much of my entire life. I moved out at 18 to a brand new city where I knew no one, I left the country at 20 to experience a foreign culture for the first time, and at 23 I finally graduated college and traveled solo across Europe and the eastern Balkan region. Many people think that you need to find a destination and you’ll finally be happy..but what if every chapter you come across is what defines your happiness?

I never thought I would become as attached to being back home that I did. I have always had a strong lust for adventure and new beginnings. However my perspective began to change...As much as I have traveled, Washington remains the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. I was reminded of the admiration I found in the thousands of trees that glow right under a blood orange sunset that rests at the bottom of the mountains. Or the cold brisk mornings that lead into a hot summer day. All the blue water and sky’s that surrounds the entire landscape constantly surprising you everyday. Even the dark grey and cold rainy days that make you feel safe. I found paradise in home and I couldn’t be anymore confused why I would ever want to leave.

I’ve spent a summer filled with new friendships, memories, lovers, heart aches, hangovers and pains. I pushed myself through a job where I was challenged everyday and could never be more grateful to have had. I spent time with all my girlfriends, danced at many of my favorite shows, sprained my ankle terribly and put my passion for running on hold. I reconnected with family and got closer with my sister for the first time in years. I fell back into old habits while also creating new ones. All in the in between, I felt on top of the world. Its been a time of reflection and growth. I’ve seen parts of myself that I’ve never seen before. I realized that I was only alone as I let myself be, but I didn’t want to be. I found regret in not saying how I felt when I had the chance, and not walking away when it was time. Spending the time back in seattle has given me a taste of what I really want, but I knew in my heart right now, it was not here.

I turned 24. The career I wanted costed me time and a greater adventure. I knew I could never begin until I went out and truly gave it a shot. I spent so long for so many years holding myself back when really the only thing holding me back was fear and myself.  I’ve always wanted to go and become fluent in Spanish and spend an entire year immersed under a foreign language. I’ve became so motivated over the years from many of my peers in their careers, I knew it was time to search and begin mine.

It’s not easy making the choice to leave. And its even harder leaving an entirely almost perfect life behind. If I was to stay, I would finally be comfortable. I would have all my best friends I’ve had for years all in reach. I would have family to visit and finally would be able to get a lease started with some of the gals. I would’ve stayed with the company I grew to love and all my new colleagues I’ve spent the entire summer with. Trust me, I’ve imagined this all. But I knew in my heart that it felt wrong – and that if I took the easy route it would leave me feeling more alone than I do right now. Although for the first time, it feels good knowing I’ll have a home to return to again, whenever that may be.

So that’s truly the power in it all. The power that new beginnings hold. It’s not the exciting fantasy of starting over and suddenly changing your entire life. It’s every single lesson you learn and create in the making of it all. Over and over again. That new job, your new relationships, all those new places you spend everyday calling home, the new streets, roads and neighborhoods. That new bar you spend everyday after work, or the music venue that becomes your favorite host for random $20 dollar concerts. It’s that new beginning you create in the decision of finally moving forward into a series of new chapters and accepting all those previous ones to fade away.

This summer has showed me to never be ashamed of starting over. I’m not telling you to quit your job, jump on a plane and leave everything behind. I am only trying to convey how change can completely and utterly shape the life you live, as it has to my own. I came back to Seattle 6 months ago with nothing. Looking at where I am now I never would have gotten this far if it wasn’t for trusting the new beginning I faced. And to be fair, that was fucking hard. I’ve never been more proud of myself to look back and see how time has led me to where I am right now.

Think about all those chapters in your life where you had a major new beginning. How much did that time change your life? For the good? For the worst? Think about who you met, and every place you ended up, who you let go of and who you embraced. How you got there and the time you spent. In the end, you gain experience. No matter where you decide to go and find that sense of change. Whether its in your home town that you’ve lived for your entire life, or that state you moved to years ago - or across the Atlantic on a different hemisphere. I’ve learned between the good and the bad, life is meant to jump into. And if you choose not to, you lose the power that all new beginnings have waiting for you.

You’ll never know until you try.

-M