Unfinished Business
A Memoir
“There we were sitting under the Moon, always in our same place, watching the waves come in with your head on my shoulder, and our cold hands intertwined.
You told me I can do whatever my dreams were calling me to. You told me I was brave, that I am strong. You told me to work in my projects and to take care of myself along the way.
I always listened, but as fast as a moment can pass, just like that you were gone.
I will do everything you always believed and saw in me, that I was always too scared to see.
And if or when we ever see each other again, you’ll not only see me,
But you’ll see all my dreams right there standing with me.”
-M
This story is something that I have written, rearranged, restarted, paused and many times neglected. I was always waiting for the right time or the right ending. And trust me as I am writing this now and thinking how it took me two years to finish is a bit embarrassing – but life has its funny way of carving our paths and shifting us in different directions. After all this time, all along it was quite simple; I couldn’t finish the story because the story itself was still not over.
It’s in our human nature that we carry the tendency to feel. We feel so deeply our emotions drive us towards almost everything we do. And what comes along with this, is the inevitable question – what if. We think about misconnections, missed opportunities, love that got away, family you never met, family you left, places you’ve always wanted to return to, places you’ve never been. Our society is constructed on how things are supposed to be. Checking off the boxes, climbing the ladders in our career, living by what we should be doing rather than what we truly want to be doing. But what if we broke the cycle, jumped out of the ordinary and familiarity. Chasing unapologetically into sacrifice and risk. Moving towards what terrifies us the most; what could be?
2021 – THE RETURN
My entire life was packed up in three suitcases, I spent my last night in Barcelona surrounded by all my people, good food, lots of wine, and many tears. My visa had just expired right when I truly had it all. I had the best circle of gals, the best roommates and apartment, I successfully finished my Spanish program, I loved my community and the most unexpected of all; I had just met him. 9 days prior on New Year’s Eve dancing at a 16-hour party ending with cold pizza in a plaza exchanging stories in broken English and Spanish. And it was only 9 days later that we spent the last day together watching the sunset as he rolled his joint and I sunk into his arms as the waves came rolling in.
For me, the most important parts were always the traditions; the café con leche and his café con hielo. Sitting on a random bench eating fresh chocolate croissants, my favorite terrace in plaza trippy spending 8 hours on a Sunday drinking vermouth and sharing stories with all the gals from the night before. Although the pandemic shifted many experiences – in the end everything, and I mean everything fell into place. I had met the version of myself I spent the entire year creating. And I was surrounded by everyone who was a part of that journey.
It was 3 a.m. and my last hour when I called a taxi hugging everyone goodbye and kissing my lover in the pouring down rain, looking back out the window of the taxi with red hazy eyes knowing that this chapter had just ended. But what I didn’t know that this ending was also a whole new beginning. One that would lead me through the next 2 years of my life.
Returning home from living abroad is something that no matter how many times you do it, it never gets easier. I moved back into my dad’s, spent the first two months home sick with covid and had zero savings. I woke up every morning at 4 a.m. just to check my WhatsApp and catch up with my gals and him. 9 hours’ time difference and 5,000 miles had never felt so far. My reverse culture shock quickly turned into depression. I missed my life. I missed my friend group. I think the hardest part about re-entry to the US after living abroad was comparing one world to another. I couldn’t get out of my depression because I was constantly comparing my life in Barcelona to the one I had returned to. Friends from home all moved on and built their own lives. I isolated myself for a long time from both friends and family because I felt like I didn’t have anything in common and there was no point in trying to explain. ‘they’ll never understand’ I always told myself. At some point you start to feel like some sort of alien (literally).
It was a period in my life that was both in and out of my control. I chose to leave Barcelona when my visa ended, I chose to move back home. And it was my choice to pick myself up and pull myself out of the dark. I didn’t move away to live in a foreign country and take such amazing memories and experiences with me all to just throw it all away at the hands of culture shock. I knew somewhat in my heart that this time would be temporary; to reconstruct my life to prepare for what was coming next. My sister was about to have her first born, my grandma had just passed away, and with all the changes happening back home it was good that I was around to be there for my family. For the first time in my life, I didn’t know what was going to happen next, and I also didn’t know how long whatever ‘this’ would last.
Months went by, and I started to integrate myself into the social world. I got an old job back and found a month-to-month room in a beautiful house in a neighborhood outside the city. I moved out from my dad’s to Seattle with nothing but a mattress and one nightstand. I packed suitcases and would switch up my clothes every few weeks. It was the ultimate summer crash pad with no strings attached. Summer was just starting, and I could feel myself finally feeling at ease with how my life was mending. Sure, I missed my world in Barcelona, but it was getting easier.
7 months later and the return of July sunsets, I created a small little world back in Seattle while managing to hold to my old one. I met a whole new group of friends that loved the techno/house music scene. I loved the new gals I lived with, and I was spending a lot of time with family. I spent mornings running and evenings cocktailing. I was still up to date with all the gals in Barcelona, and to my biggest surprise, I was still in contact with him. We managed to stay texting through WhatsApp and a few face times 7 months later. We got closer somehow living in two different worlds, worlds apart. However, I still couldn’t say I was happy with where I was at. I was literally juggling two different lives. My life in Barcelona and this somewhat new life I’d created in Seattle.
Oh, how some things never change.
It was like being the main character in a romantic comedy, that one main female character that is leading a chaotic messy life torn between her dreams and love. Which let’s be real this has always been who I am. I think the comfort of the Seattle summer started to sink in. I was making the most money I have ever made, I had a beautiful living situation, I had the friend group, the music, my family one hour away, I had even got myself involved in a summer fling (yes, a summer fling). So, what was the problem? Why was it not enough?
I reached the point where I had to decide. Do I want to stay and make a life in Seattle? Or go and see my friends and take a shot at love with him. I couldn’t move on any further until knowing which direction would be the right one to take. And I knew, If I never went back to see it all through; I would think about it for the rest of my life.
What if, what could be..was waiting for me?
I remember the day exactly; I had gone for a run at green lake and my anxiety was through the roof. I called my friend Holly and fell into tears. Bawling. Funny how you can fall apart when its 80 degrees and blue skies. I had just explained to her that my group of friends in Barcelona and I were starting to make some plans for a possible end of summer meet up in Croatia. Not only with the gals but also, with him. I loved this idea, and I knew I could try and get a few weeks off work given it was the end of summer. But also, I knew this would be a big jump. I was happy, I had everything I thought I needed and was right where I was supposed to be. At least, I thought I was.
I told holly, “What if this is what I was meant to do? Go back? Be with the ones I left far to long for. What if I met him for a reason, and I must see if through. What if this would be the real deal?” My summer fling was starting to get more serious. I was torn. I can’t do this to two people I care about. Then I also realized, I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. Trying to sustain two worlds together while they were worlds apart.
Holly said to me,
“Mariah, go back to Europe and go see your friends and go have an amazing time and go see him. Go because Seattle will always be Seattle, and it will always be here to run back to. So, what if it doesn’t work out? At least you tried. And at least you’ll get another European trip out of it.”
2021 – ANOTHER EUROPEAN SUMMER
Next thing you know, I was sitting on the airplane on the way to Croatia. Sometimes I guess, you just have to cross the world to go and find where your heart lies.
Well – if only life played out just like the movies (although these past two years have felt like one). The first text I received landing for my connection in Amsterdam was informing me that one of my friends from college was found dead from an overdose just the night before. I was devasted. Days leading up to when I left for the trip, I had also found out that the entire group couldn’t make it to Croatia after all. Its normal when life gets in the way and plans fall through. I quickly learned to expect the worse and hope for the best. Despite my heart aching from my friends passing and not being able to meet the gang in Croatia, I decided to make the most out of the expensive plane ticket and long 10-hour fight. I went to Croatia - from having everything planned to absolutely nothing planned.
Ever since I saw Croatia for the first time in 2019, I fell in love with it. Although I may be bias because Croatian is in my blood – it’s one of the most beautiful places to visit. I spent the first morning siting on the balcony of my best friend Antea’s hostel named Backpackers Fairytale, which if you are ever planning to visit Split, this is the hostel to visit. I sat there admiring the view that overlooks the city and practically has the Adriatic Sea in your backyard. It’s the best view any hostel could have in Split, and trust me, those have experienced the sunsets would never disagree. As I was drinking my coffee and wondering, what the hell am I supposed to do now?
My friend Michele invited me to accompany him on a road trip from Split to Pula. I was hungover and thought there’s no way – I haven’t even opened my suitcase since landing, and it would be over 5+ hours on the road. But then again, I had always wanted to see the north of the Croatian coast and why not have some spontaneity? Not even twenty-four hours on European soil – I was driving up the coast of Croatia with Marcel & Michele, and to no surprise we ended up in Venice, Italy only 24-hours later.
There I was, outside the Venice canal on a boat with two Italians and a Croatian Swiss, enjoying a joint, a few Italian beers and a whole lot of sunshine. I still can’t put into words how much fun this unexpected adventure had become. From sleeping in a shed outside of a hostel in Pula, way too many Cynar spritzers and late drunken walks crossing way too many bridges and dancing in front of the famous Marco Polo Cathedral; spontaneity had just become my new best friend.
I learned quickly that every expectation I once had for this trip went down the drain. I didn’t know what would happen when I finally reached Barcelona and saw him for the first time after 8 months. Everything had changed, including me.
I made it back to Croatia just in time to jump on a boat and go sailing for a day. I stayed in Croatia for a few days then got on a bus and went to Mostar, Bosnia to finally reunite with Claire. I was so excited because I finally got to see one of the best friends I had met during my time in Barcelona. It’s about a 7-hour journey by bus from Split to Mostar. Many refer to Bosnia as the third-world country of Europe. You’ll easily find taxi drivers holding a cigarette in their mouth and a burek in their right hand. Beers are under 2 euros, and you can smoke inside absolutely anywhere and everywhere you go. We ate as if we were Royalty that week, drank lots of Rakija, danced to some live music, adventured north river rafting for a day over the bluest river I had ever seen. Seeing Claire made me realize how much time I had missed being able to be a part of each other’s lives. I realized we had been on very different paths, and even though it’s easy to pick up where you left off, I still felt time had taken more than we both deserved to lose.
My travels in Croatia, Italy and Bosnia were filled of many firsts. I remember specifically driving back on the bus overlooking the sunset on the coast outside of Dubrovnik feeling my heart sink. I took such a big risk placing myself back in Europe to chase after my friends and him. And that’s when I started to realize; maybe there was greater lessons to be learned. Maybe I was only chasing after a feeling.
Landing in Barcelona felt like almost all the other times. As the plane descends and curves over the Mediterranean and you can see the entire city stretched over the coast, admiring all the main attractions and your favorite places all from above. I always feel the butterflies and adrenaline rushing through my body knowing that I am home, again.
8 months felt like no time had passed at all but at the same time everything had changed. It’s a crazy feeling when you’re about to reunite with your loved ones after so much time apart. You become overwhelmed with excitement but somehow your anxiety can be boiling to the surface. With reunions comes a lot of reflection, you realize how much can change over time. And as someone like myself, who pops back into my friends lives once or twice a year overseas as you can imagine, I’ve had many revelations.
The first few days are always ‘honeymoon phase’ you see everyone for the first time and the spotlight lands on you. The first night we all went out and had our big reunion. A bunch of the guys were DJing at a restaurant, so we made a night out of it and brought everyone together. Oh, how my heart was beating out of my chest when I was walking up to that restaurant. I was about to see him. But once I saw him and we exchanged hugs it was like no time had ever passed.
I settled back into the city as if I had just moved back. I was basically on a short-term stay. I spent mornings doing my old favorite workouts by the Barceloneta and running north of the beach. I went out and visited my favorite bars and danced at many DJ parties. But most importantly, I spent lots of time getting to know him. Our relationship was a bit interesting because we had to work around his work schedule and my social life. Which was a lot more difficult than we both expected. As much fun we had together getting to know each other, it was also quite challenging. The honeymoon phase dust settled, and I realized that I was on a ticking clock and that soon I would be returning to Seattle. Things started to take a turn with him as it did with my friends. I realized that over the time that I had been away everyone had built a whole new world. I knew that this is how life works, and that we need to accept how life changes with time. But it was more of feeling like I lost. I lost my world I had before to 8 months of being in Seattle. I missed out on time that I knew I would never get back again.
How can a place break your heart while at the same time feel like home.
It was a Wednesday morning around 2 a.m. ending the night after going to the bars with my friends on the beach like most since the nightlife in Barcelona was still recovering from the Pandemic. I was approached by a man coming straight towards, and I was robbed and mugged at gunpoint. The man stole my bag and ran off, some of the guys in our group eventually started chasing after him after realizing he was still not shooting. After lots of blood, punches and screaming, we were all hauled off to the police station where we all spend the remainder of the night. I lost my purse that had all my cards and my phone. The police had arrested the guy who robbed me, but he managed to get rid of the gun and my purse in between getting caught. I’ve been robbed and pick pocketed in Barcelona many times, but this one was by far the worst. I was a bit traumatized and in shock. Most people would have packed up and left first thing the next morning – but I still didn’t feel like it was time to go.
I was feeling defeated. If you know me pretty well, you know that I am a big believer in the universe and listening to the signs that life throws at me. I knew that I needed to get away for a minute to step out and really see everything from the outside in. After everything that was happening so quickly over such a short period of time. My best friend Jeff and I decided to go south to Andalucía, Spain and visit Granada. It was somewhere I’ve always wanted to see. After getting robbed I managed to transfer money to friends and use cash everywhere and then I bought a cheap Spanish phone to get by. Everything that I went to Barcelona for was at a standstill. I needed to give my friends and myself the space we needed, and of course, him.
I remember sitting on the hill on San Miguel Alto, which is a viewpoint in a park that overlooks the entire city of Granada. I was with Jeff and one of his friends as we watched the sunset with our favorite Alhambra cervezas and pizza. And probably a joint as well which I have no doubt. I watched the sunset and realized; everything that has happened and will happen, will happen. And most of the time we have no control over anything but how we choose to accept it and move forward. So, I needed to decide; how was I going to end this trip?
There was something about getting away and clearing my head that brought everything into perspective. Yes, nothing was going as planned, but even through all the bad, there was still so much good. I got to see my best friend Liz in our favorite spot at Oviso. I spent more time getting closer and building my relationships with some of my oldest Catalan friends Nil and Sandra. I was thankful for the time we had together because it was something we never really got much when the pandemic hit. Also, when I had moved back into my old flat, I was acquainted with a new friend named Caoimhe, who is the funniest Irish gal I have ever been blessed enough to meet. I spent so many laughs and good times with her, and I honestly don’t think this trip would have ever been the same without meeting her. I quickly learned that, although I didn’t get exactly what I wanted throughout this trip, I was given everything I needed.
When I returned to Barcelona for my final days, I chose to stop taking things so personally, and just enjoy what I had. I knew that me and him could work through whatever it was we were going through. And as for my friends, I loved the gals with my whole heart, but I let them have their lives – and we got our time when we found the time. I realized dynamics change, no matter where you may be in the world.
As my final week was approaching, I went away for a few days with him to his family’s summer house up north on the coast of Spain. We spent the time together cooking, dancing, running around the beaches, laughing, eating lots of homemade paella. We had no cell service and just simply enjoyed and got to be us. For what felt real, for the first time. It’s hard to be building a relationship with someone whose native language isn’t the same as yours. When you live in two different continents, when the cultures you have been raised on are so different. Yet somehow our connection was the deepest passion and intimacy that I had ever known.
When you leave a place after so many times, you start to get used to the goodbyes. You get used to the nostalgia creeping in, the last hugs and appreciating everything that is a part of that moment because you know once you walk away, it will never be the same ever again. As I look back, ending the Europe trip I had learned many lessons, a bit of trauma, lots of changes, trials in my relationships, and most importantly how precious time is. Yet in the end, I wouldn’t change a damn thing.
2022 – HAPPY ANNIVERSARY
When I left for Europe for only two weeks, I returned home almost 3 months later. Last time I was in Seattle it was August. I returned home the first week of November having to pick up the messy pieces of the life I had left behind. I had to once again, start completely over. But that was ok. Because this time, I knew what I had to do. I knew where my relationships stood with my friends and I knew that what him and I had, was real. I planned to save up money and move back to Barcelona the following spring to start my masters.
Thanksgiving passed by and before I knew it Christmas was right around the corner. I had just started a new job in yes, another restaurant. But I missed him. More than ever before. Our relationship moved a bit more serious. We settled on trying to give long distance a shot (across the world continents apart long distance). We face timed, we texted, we called. Then I had this crazy idea, New Year’s Eve was coming up which meant it would be our sort of ‘1 year anniversary’ since this all began. So, what do I do? I got 10 days off work and bought a plane ticket to go see him for our anniversary.
I always wondered why the universe gave me love right when my visa had ended. Or one that was surrounded by circumstances and chance. No matter how crazy it was for an American girl to date a European guy in long distance, I never gave up. No matter how many times reality came knocking on my door, I always thought that it would eventually work out. And no matter what happened, we kept pushing to make it through.
Going back for New Years Eve was in hindsight, amazing. But in the end, we learned lessons that were hard to accept. The distance and short visits were taking a toll. The whole hello again and goodbye repeatedly began to weigh on our patience. Our story was always romance and quite cinematic. We loved our slow mornings and walks, ordering bottles of wine and taking home another, arguing in Spanish and English, picnics at the beach while I danced listening to his music. Long train rides laughing under our masks while only using our eyes and sassy gestures to communicate. But we quickly learned we both carried sides to us that brought our darkness to surface. We started to learn that this relationship maybe wasn’t the healthiest for us after all. Sometimes all we want is love, and for love to find us back. And once we finally get a taste of it, we will do anything and everything to hold on to as long as we can. However. You can only fight for so long. And at one point, while fighting against the universe and constantly trying to prove fate wrong. It was over.
2022 – THE AFTERMATH
It’s a strange feeling to go from talking to someone every single day to not at all. When your world is revolving around future plans and shared dreams. I spent so much time chasing after something that never chased after me. Everything had changed. I resented Barcelona and didn’t want to go back. I didn’t know where to turn or what direction to take. The breakup didn’t only end a relationship, but it was shifting my entire life towards a new direction. I spent months trying to understand what went wrong and why it ended so suddenly the way it did. But I knew in my heart, that all of this was bound to happen.
Later that Spring, I booked a trip and went to Costa Rica with my best friend Kristen. It was my first time traveling to Central America. I decided after months of feeling lost, that it was time to just let go of all control that I thought I had and let the universe unfold everything out for me. Costa Rica was a dream. It was sort of my Eat Pray Love journey that my soul was yearning for. For the first time that I could remember I felt free, I felt wild, I felt like I was finally feeling like Mariah again. Traveling up and down the pacific coast of Costa Rica from Tamarindo all the way down to Santa Teresa. I made a small community that felt like home in a small town named Nosara.
I decided to stay in Nosara for about 10 days, I rented an ATV and drove and lived around the small town as if I was a local. I got to know the locals and built very close relationships. I highly recommend taking a trip to Costa Rica with your best friend. My trip was a bit longer than Kristen’s and once she returned home, I ended up meeting some friends that I had met years prior in Croatia. Its wild how small this world can really be, and somehow the world will lead you to the same places at the same time with your friends. I learned so much peace and what it felt like to simply just, slow down.
Months prior to the trip, I had applied to a few event coordinating jobs in Seattle just to see if there was anything I could possibly take a shot at. I had already gotten accepted into my Masters in Barcelona, but given everything that had happened, I felt pulled to looking at different options. It all happened so fast, as my trip was coming up to leave for Costa Rica, I was offered the job to work in Seattle as an Events Coordinator. I knew in my heart I still wanted to pursue my masters in Barcelona, but I also for once in my life thought it was time to finally listen to my head and follow the logical, most practical thing to do. Stay in Seattle for the year and get one year experience working in this job.
It was almost Noon as I accepted a job offer and took shots of chiligueras with a group of people in the hostel. I should have felt more excitement, I had officially just accepted my first job into my dream career. But all I could feel was my stomach twisting and turning.
Did I just make the right choice? Or did I just fuck everything up?
It all happened so quickly. I started my dream job. I got my very own first apartment and signed a year lease. I had everything I wanted. But I as I stood in my apartment, downtown, overlooking the Seattle skyscrapers, all I wanted to do was share it all with him. I had always dreamt of having all that I had in this moment, in Barcelona. Sharing it with my person. We hadn’t spoken much since the breakup. We had been in brief short conversations and texts back and forth, but it was never the same. I knew that this was a new chapter I had to push myself to just keep going.
Another Seattle summer began, and not only did my career kick off, but so did my love for life. I was slowly learning how the office world works while also attending many of my favorite music artists and various shows and different festivals. I spent the summer in full speed. Looking back now, I am so proud of myself for taking the risk and diving into something so uncomfortable. Even if it was the hardest choice I ever made.
2022 – FALLING APART
September came around and the chaos of summer slowly began to wind down. I decided to pick up a second job to earn some extra cash. I was full time Event Coordinator and cocktail serving in the evenings. I was working 70-hour weeks and I didn’t even have time to buy toilet paper. I was so busy trying to keep up with life, that life started to catch up with me. I was doing everything to stay strong and to make this job work. But things started to change in my workplace. My team didn’t feel like a team, I never felt like I really belonged there. I would leave work almost every day crying in my car as I drove in between jobs. At some point, you have to ask yourself what is more important your dreams, or your worth.
There was a lot to learn and no matter what I kept at it as much as I could. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make it work. I loved my work, and I loved my clients and what I was doing. I felt butterflies every event I worked and every new client I would meet would make my day. But sometimes in life, there are going to be places and people you find yourself where you truly just don’t belong. The following months were long, I could barely get myself to do anything other than work and sleep and repeat.
I missed him more than ever. I wanted to call him, tell him everything. Share everything. It was weird. It had been months since we broke up, but I never felt like we truly lost each other. But as my world started to fall apart, I noticed that maybe I was wrong. Maybe I had lost him. I had found out through the grapevine that he had met someone. And once he confirmed that, I couldn’t breathe. I know, it sounds dramatic. But I always was somewhat waiting for us to re-connect. I always thought that we would find our ways back to each other and work it all out like we always did.
Around the same time, I had a meeting at work that led me to make one of the hardest choices in my career. I knew I had a lot of talent, but it wasn’t meant to be in this specific company. So, to save my career and my mental health, I put my notice in. And by 5pm on the following Monday, I was done. I tried everything to make it work. But nothing is ever worth suffering for if your being so poorly mistreated. I was devasted. I remember leaving that day calling everyone close to me bawling my eyes out, anxiety exploding and tears overflowing. Everything I sacrificed and worked for fell apart. I felt like I failed. I failed at my dream job, at being the person I was working so hard to become.
I spent the following weeks on my couch, my bed, and no energy or the slightest motivation. I barely ate, I didn’t socialize. Depression is nothing to be proud of but also nothing to be ashamed of. I had lost it all, at least for what it felt like in the moment. My dream career had failed, I had to accept that my ex had someone new. Although somehow, I started to pull myself out of the darkness. After a very long December that consisted of Netflix series, sleepless nights and way too many old fashions. I decided to make a plan.
Without noticing it then, change was breaking my heart while molding a brand-new start.
2022 – THE RESET
I sat down, with my coffee and watched the snow fall outside my window. I pulled up google maps and started to think about all the places I had friends around the world that I could go visit. I had to get away and get out of the city. I needed a reset to go and see some new perspectives. I could have chosen Central or South America, I could have gone to Mexico or stayed simple and ventured stateside to California. But I chose Europe. Big surprise there. Why? Because all I wanted was to go and give my friends over in Europe a long, big, much needed hug. Sounds insane but that’s just how my life is. I decided to do a short solo trip to Portugal, I would start North in Porto where I would make my way down to Lisbon, and then over to Spain. Yes, Barcelona. Your probably thinking, why would you go back to Barcelona after everything that has happened? I knew it would be hard, but I also knew I had to face it again. I knew that I needed to confront the pain that I was feeling. And I told myself that if I loved Barcelona before him, I could learn to love it again, without him.
My solo travels through Portugal were amazing. I loved everything about being back in Europe and meeting new people. It was like I had just came out of a time warp and everything that had happened months before, never happened. Everything from the moment the trip started felt brand new. I felt like my old 24-year-old self, backpacking through Europe. I wanted to hit new cities that I haven’t seen before. Yes, it felt a bit strange. It was my first time back in Europe without having anything to do with him. I spent New Years eve in Lisbon. New Year’s Eve which would have been my 2-year anniversary with him. But there I was, pushing forward, standing in a packed crowd in the center of Lisbon with one of my best friends Marco, a Venezuelan I had met while working in Croatia one summer. Ironically, Marco just so happened to be in Porto the same time I arrived. We watched the firework show start as the clock hit midnight and 2023 began.
I took the speed train from Madrid to Barcelona. I sat there with emotions all over. I was thinking about all the people I had just met just for the first week of my trip around Portugal and my heart felt warm. Although I was on my way back to Barcelona for the first time since everything, I knew it was the right thing to do. I had no idea what to expect, all I wanted was to see my friends and see the city with a fresh new set of eyes.
I was back in Barcelona exactly one year later. It felt like it was my first time ever seeing the city. The colors, the smell of the metro, the buzzing traffic and constant honking and sounds of motos. Terraces surrounding all the streets and people sitting and laughing, enjoying. The energy of Barcelona is the most special aspect of it all. It brings out a unique atmosphere that is hard to find anywhere else. The vibes, the colors, the cultures and people, but most of all the beauty.
It only took a few days being back in the city that I received the text that changed the tone for the rest of the trip. It was him. Of course, it was him. But I knew in my heart I had to see him. I had to confront my past to move on.
The wind was blowing at what felt like the hardest I’d ever felt in Barcelona. I went to meet him. Ironically, it was the exact date from the last time we saw each other, one year before. I stood there completely frozen, cold and nervous. So much has happened in our lives, how do we just sit down and even talk about anything? But we both deserved to see it through. We both deserved the closure we never had. Our first round of wine turned into 3 days spending time together. We had jumped right back into it all. We talked about everything we never had the chance to while at the same time it was like one whole year never had past and nothing had changed. However, without knowing in the moment, we were both so naïve.
You can talk, you can explain, you can make love and try everything to start over again. But there are some relationships that can’t meet eye to eye. There are some chapters that can’t have that happy ending we dream about no matter how bad we want it. What started as a beautiful reconnection ended in an explosion. I was overwhelmed in emotions and didn’t know how to understand anything that was happening. Also, this trip to Europe was never about him but it suddenly became all about him. I thought we needed closure, but I realized I had my closure when I sat on the beach in Costa Rica and threw my ring from him into the ocean. Do I regret any of it? No. Could things have gone better? Maybe. But things happen inevitably.
2023 – A NEW BEGINNING
I stood on the ramp boarding the flight from Barcelona to Amsterdam. I never heard from him again since the last time I saw him. And I knew that this time, would be the last time. I stood there thinking of that evening on New Years Eve back in 2021, thinking about the past two years of my life. I was no longer that same girl that I was when this whole story began. I spent so much time chasing after people and places that I lost myself along the way. Chasing after a love, chasing after friendships, chasing after a dream. I did the what if, I went and I saw what could be. Whether it was only a minute or as short as a second, I saw it through. I learned that if you really, deeply love someone, it can never be defined by circumstance. When you really love someone, you would do anything to be with them. Even if it leads you to letting them go. Every season, every chapter, the universe was always unfolding it all before me. Life somehow came around to a full circle. I got to sleep on a boat in the canals of Amsterdam rekindling my friendship with Claire, we ran around under the sun in Amsterdam and watched the sunset with some IPAS and apologies. I found closure, but unexpected in every way possible. Everything I was fighting for, hoping for, searching for over the past two years was always right in front of me, I just couldn’t see it then.
I don’t regret anything that’s happened. I’ve learned risk, I’ve felt sacrifice, I’ve seen heartbreak. Looking back, maybe our “what if” and that “what could be” is a blessing in a disguise all along. I think we are supposed to have certain things in this lifetime that we will always be wondering about, yearning for. Fantasizing over the “what if” keeps our memories how it was, as it was. You can’t change or alter the past. What has happened or how things have ended, you learn to accept it is what it is. Friends come and they go. Relationships change along with the years passing by, and if your lucky enough, some will even return to you. I think that’s the lesson of it all. Sometimes the greatest loves in our lives are the greatest goodbyes. Whether it’s a romantic partner or your best friend.
2023 – FINISHED BUSINESS
Every plane ticket, every missed connection, every word written down on my journal on another train ride, every coffee in the sun on a terrace, every hangover and sleepless night. Every long hug goodbye and warm embrace. It took me years to understand that life is quite simple and that we are the ones who make it so complicated. I learned that if you want a love, you got to fight for it. But sometimes you can’t change what fate has already decided. That no matter how strong your feelings are, sometimes you must let them go. And those friends you lost connection with, maybe weren’t ever really your friends to begin with. And sometimes that dream job you get, may not turn out to be everything that you thought it would be. Everything that is meant for you, will be there for you.
No matter where life takes you whether it’s in the city of your dreams or your hometown. Life is happening how you choose it to. You can settle or you can take a chance and fight against all odds. You can’t expect happy endings or everything to go your way. In fact, everything going wrong leads you to even greater findings.
So here I am, in Seattle. Back where I started exactly 2 years ago. A complete full circle. Although, things are different this time. I am stronger. I am no longer always thinking about “what if” because I went and saw it. I am at peace. I am at peace with my life, where it is and where it is going. I’ve been practicing on living in the present moments. Instead of always yearning for my next move or next place, I am living in the now. I want to make the most of every season that comes my way. The ones who have chosen to leave, have left. And the ones who will come, will come. And the ones who will stay, will stay. I am no longer chasing after people and places. I am living for myself and building the life that I have always dreamed to have.
Now all that unfinished business, is finally finished. And now I can begin, a whole new story.
-M
