The Good And The Bad
“Naturally it’s afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you’ve won” - Paulo Coelho
April 3rd, 2019
I packed my bags, set my alarms for my 07:15 am train to Mostar from Sarajevo. Of course, I woke up once or twice around 05:00 am so I thought I had more time. Next thing I know I wake up and its 06:43. I jumped up, threw everything into my bag and ran as fast I could to the main road to snag a taxi. I was able to both find an ATM and get a taxi within 5 minutes. Next thing I know the taxi doesn’t understand any English, I’m trying explain ‘railway station’ but apparently railway station to this taxi driver meant the olympic stadium..he was going the wrong direction and its now 06:57. I was panicking, I already booked a tour in Mostar with the hostel owner and if I missed this train I would miss a whole day visiting Mostar. Finally, after showing him the map he realized I was trying to go to Mostar and suddenly the Olympic stadium became the railway station. I didn’t even have him pull in I just jumped out and ran as fast as I could into the station to find tickets. Thankfully, everyone just laughed at me, gave me a ticket and I made the train by 07:14.
There are many moments where I keep replaying in my head over and over again. Significant times where in the moment, I did not see any significance. I think about the day I said goodbye to Seneca after new years in Barcelona after walking her to the bus stop for the airport. Once she stepped on that bus suddenly after waving goodbye there I stood alone at 6 am in placa catalyuna tired, sad, scared and most importantly just thinking to myself, holy shit this is it. Then there’s the last day in Berlin, where the entire universe was against every inch of my soul. Whether it was the moment during my walking tour when I received unsettling news of yet another love, finding another love. Or maybe it was the following hours when I missed my bus back to Prague which led to buying another ticket for a overnight bus ride with tears of exhaustion and disappointment. Many moments that during the time I wanted to just turn around and go running back to everything I knew comforting and safe.
Moments. Choices. Experiences. I’m starting to learn that anything ‘bad’ that happens. Any bad luck, bad news, missed buses and trains, losing money, getting the worst food poisoning in my entire life, falling in love and falling out more quickly if I blinked. All of this has taught me many lessons. Every new country changes me in a way that I don’t even realize. I look back at who I was when I first arrived in Lisbon, or when I arrived in Budapest, each place continues to leave a part of me behind. I find myself constantly moving forward. This doesn’t only play in traveling. You don’t need to travel to learn how to appreciate the good and the bad. In any place, whether it’s your career, your family and relationships, or your own self-improvement. I believe that we spend too much time focusing on how much the bad moments affect us, but we don’t turn our perspective on how the bad actually teaches us, and helps us grow. Think about it, when you don’t get that promotion in your job and someone else gets it, you don’t get jealous, you work harder. Or if the guy/girl you’ve wanted for so long, finds someone new. You don’t give up on all faith in relationships, you just learn that sometimes that person is just not meant to be. You learn to accept the things that you cannot change and change the way you react. I’ve seen the universe give me so much more when I finally started to change the way I adjust to every moment and choice that I come across. I’ve always had a hard time adjusting to change and accepting things I never saw coming or had planned. But the irony of it all is that most of the things we cannot change, are what direct us towards what’s meant for us to receive.
After almost four months of traveling, I’m starting to learn how important the choices I have made are the greatest impact along my journey. Being able to take a trip like this is an opportunity that not many people in their lifetime will ever be able to do. I’m constantly feeling so blessed with every new place and person I meet. I feel the universe continuously giving me everything I need, while also teaching me everything that is not meant to be. I decided to travel in a very different way than many people. I started my trip with two of my best friends, I continued my travels alone, I worked for two months in two very different hostels, and now I am traveling back alone throughout the Balkans. All of this, was never planned. I’ve started to feel quite selfish in a way of how long I’ve been away, and how long I want to continue to stay. I also have been thinking way to much about ‘what if’. What if I had never worked in hostels and just spent my trip like a regular nomad? What if I would have just stayed the entire four months in Prague? Or Croatia? I have been told many times that I must be living my best life, and I’m following my dreams like I’ve always wanted to. At the same time, although I’m living my best life, and following my dreams, there’s a part of me that’s more scared than ever before. Scared about what the hell I’m going to do when I return home. ‘Home’ which is my entire life currently packed in boxes hanging out in my room at my dad’s house. ‘Home’ where I will have to find a new job, find a new place to live. I’ve made so many sacrifices to make this trip happen, it almost felt like I was signing a contract to understand how hard it’s going to be when it’s all over. Much of this stress led me to leaving my little paradise in Split, Croatia and heading off alone into the eastern Balkan region to fully be reminded of how blessed I am to be traveling, to remember the big picture, and to reflect on every choice and moment that has led me to where I am now.
I can’t tell you what will happen when all of this is over. I can’t express all my feelings when I can’t even grasp what some of them are at times. I can’t tell you when I’ll be home or where I’ll be in 3 months from now. But what I can tell you, what I’m the most sure of is that I’m pursuing my dreams. Even when sometimes there’s a cost. Pursuing these dreams, dreams in which have hurt some people along the way, and letting some of the closest people down. In pursuing these dreams, it’s not always going to be living my best life and I’m constantly learning from that. To those of you, I am sorry.
I remember sitting on the beach along the Adriatic Sea with my two friends Carolyn and Jeff. All of us three have worked the hostels and done the traveling. All three of us have our lives packed in boxes with no clue what the world awaits us when we return. And all three of us, love to travel. We have all had crazy moments, crazy choices to make, and the experiences go on and on. I think about how stressed out I have been for absolutely no reason to be. How guilty I have felt for chasing my dreams, when its natural to. You can’t please everyone. But you must absolutely remember to reflect on yourself. The feeling I get every time I step off a plane or bus into a new vibrant country, filled with unfamiliar languages, new foods and cultures, the feeling of my heart beating out of my chest when I have to figure out ways of transport. Walking hours roaming around just watching and listening to the sounds of the streets. The smallest moments are the most significant. It’s nights spent sitting around the hostel with a table of people from the UK, Finland, an Australian couple that I ran into again who I had met in split, conversing about all of our different lives and cultures yet, how much we all are the same. Traveling to me is my dream. And I’m starting to learn that there is no destination, its only a series of chapters that keep changing through every moment, choice, and experience. Good…and bad.
-M